Here’s my collection:

• “At least you still have your other son.”

• “Why, Rosario (my real name), whyyyyyy???!!!” said in a loud voice by an elderly uncle while he held me on both shoulders with his face a few inches from mine. That kinda freaked me out!
• “Gawa ka na lang ulit ng baby”( Just have another child). Hmmm, there are so many things wrong with this comment. First, I’m a solo parent in my 40s without a boyfriend. I don’t want any more children even if I had a partner, and as if I could just replace my son by getting pregnant.

• This one just takes the cake: “I know how you feel. My dog just died too.” No offense to pet lovers who treat their dogs like their children, but it’s still not the same. AT. ALL!
• “At least he didn’t grow up to experience the bad influences from this world. He would have probably ended up in a bad place, with bad friends, and that would’ve given you more worry.” Wow, think positive naman. I’d still want my son alive even if he ended up in jail or rehab. This advice came from a priest.
• An elderly woman told my eldest son, Bam, “Now you’re the only one left. You have to be strong for your mom.” Nope, that didn’t help.

But the one that hurt and bothered me most was: “ That’s a hard lesson to learn.” That line planted a lie in my mind and made me think that I wasn’t a good mother.

For widows and widowers, there are more “ugh” comments like “O, pwede ka na mag-asawa ulit” (You can get married again). Or, “Now you’re single and ready to mingle.” And, “Isa ka nang offcial na dalaga, o binata, muli” (Now you’re offcially single again).

Platitudes Do Not Help

“Ano yon?” asked the members of our grief support group, and out came the cell phones to ask Google. According to Merriam Webster, “platitudes” are “dull one-liners with moral content used as if it were fresh and profound.”

Here are the classics. Although they may be true, during times of deep, fresh grief, these words gave me and my other grieving friends no comfort or consolation. They can actually make you feel worse.

• “Now you have an angel to look over you.”
• “Everything works for the good.”
• “He’s in a better place.”
• “God has a plan; it’s God’s will.”
• “There’s a reason for everything.”
• “He’s just here with you at all times.”
• “She’s now happy in heaven where there is no pain.”
• “Let go mo na.”
• And there’s the all-time favorite na nakakapanting ng tenga: “Mag-move on ka na” (You gotta move on).

My friend Angeli heard all the platitudes and was fed up with everyone trying to cheer her up. She said to herself, “Yes, I know, I know she’s in a better place and she’s now an angel looking over me, but can’t you just let me be sad for now? I just lost my daughter. Let me be sad.”

Don’t Move On, Carry On

As my good widower friend Roy says, “You do not move on; you carry on.” I hate it when people say you should move on, because I take this to mean that you leave the one you lost behind, in the same way that you break up with a bad boyfriend and friends say, “Move on and forget him. You deserve better!” But grief is a different thing altogether. You can never move on from it because it’s something you will carry with you forever and can never forget. Yes, the load becomes lighter, but you’ll always love that person and keep them in your heart. I’d rather use the term “move forward” or, as Roy says, “Carry on.”

Shake It Off

I’ve found that it helps to just ignore all the unhelpful comments, letting them enter one ear and out the other immediately. Don’t allow the negative comment to park in between the ears and overstay in your brain where you’ll constantly chew on what that person said. This will just make you angry with them, stress you out, and distract you from mourning your beloved.

Yup, it’s easier said than done. Of course it would bother and annoy the hell out of me! The nerve of that person to say that. Doesn’t she know that it doesn’t really help? I guess not, that’s why people say these things — and you can’t prevent them from saying them. So before shaking it off, take time to be still, say a prayer, or sing a worship song in your head. (I sing “Hail Mary.”) I discovered that you can’t stay mad while praying or singing a worship song. Breathe some more, count to 10, and calm down. Maybe you can express what you went through with your best friend and even have a laugh about it, then let it go. You’ve got bigger issues to deal with.